little ex-ante realisation

one thing I've suddenly realised about the trip that I hadn't predicted before the trip - as I'm there, lying on my bed, reading my Viennese friend [S]'s final thesis - is how many people I would get to know, and get to know quickly over the course of my travels. I met [S] at the Bombodrom, practically on the first day of my trip, June first. I remember seeing him for the second time, per chance, on the area after we'd chatted for a long while at the camp in the morning, and being happy at seeing a familiar face again. "Familiarity" develops very quickly in camp settings - as do friendships and bonds. We met again in Rostock the next day and from then on basically ended up spending g8 together.
So many of the people I have around me now are somehow travel acquaintances - the clowns being one big part of them.
The trip radically changed and enriched my social world.

Landing on ubuntu

A friend told me his dad was sent to jail for wearing two badges - one showed the peace dove, the other the landing on the moon. Guess when and where that was.

Meanwhile, I've managed to get ubuntu up and going on my laptop after weeks of struggling and a crawling up a gentle learning curve. I still need to do a few things before my migration from windows is complete - such as get a programme to play my mp3, international keyboard functionalities and mail set up. But basically, it's all up and going and squeaky clean and excitingly flashy (students are fond of OS that can impress other students in uni-libraries with their cool effects. Some aspects of the modern world of student are pretty pathetic, I'll admit) - and most of all, I don't need to fear viruses like under windows (my virus protection came to an end there) and I'm making one more step towards independance of big business. yeeha.

The travelling moderator

When I came back to Berlin, our clowns' meetings were characterised by general intransparency, chaos, and lenghty discussions would seriously take place on whether we should start talking immediately or play first. The result was mainly frustration - except when we played. Our time together appeared as an unstructured blob which we didn't necessarily know how to put into shape - each time anew.

The examples for unstructured and frustrating group discussions in left circles are surprisingly numerous, and although most networks in which I hang out are familiar with the basics of respectful discussion, the advantages of moderation and in certain cases non-violent communication remain widely unknown. Of course, moderation is immediately perceived with a dose of mistrust, as the moderator is endowed with a certain power and influence, in a way also creating a certain hierarchy in the group. And I don't want to say this mistrust isn't founded, as I've experienced myself the power I suddenly felt in my hands in this position: Power in that I was in the position to "hear out" and formulate a common decision from the various individual positions and hope that I wasn't pushing one position over another. Power in that people will often look up to the moderator as a sort of all-knowing higher being who has the last answer.
But experience and enthusiasm for moderation should, I believe, allow the trainee-moderator to avoid the trap of hierarchy building - developing more into a facilitator than a higher instance. And ideally really, EVERYONE becomes her or his own moderator, so that a separate facilitator isn't necessary.

And so it is that I eagerly take nearly every opportunity to structure and facilitate group discussions. I moderated some of our clowns' meetings and am gradually thinking of ways to get structure in without loosing our spontaneity. And I got a specific "success-moment" after my food-coop's plenum last Monday which reinforced my will to train - formally or simply through practice - in this area and put these skills to practice (also) later when on the road. I find the idea of being a travelling moderator appealing...
The success-moment: My food-coop has been around for ages, some of the members there have been in it for 15 or even 20 years. The plenum culture is characterised by decision making based on majority vote, a lack of self-moderation and generally people talking AT ALL TIMES, whether someone else started before them or not, and jumping off to side topics in disrespect of the agenda set up. Frustration among participants because of the time wasted in aimless and unproductive discussion: VERY high. Last Monday was my first plenum with them since coming back from the trip (I skipped the last one to go see Naomi Klein present her new book), and I volunteered to moderate. I tried hard to structure transparently the discussion, keep people on the topic and stop them from talking in between - that was tough and changing their behaviour will take for ever. BUT what I DID manage to do was make majority vote unnecessary by summarising and formulating consensus decisions out of the positions presented. And that, when I thought about it as I went to bed later, is a cool achievement. A cultural breakthrough without any of us really noticing it was happening.
Still plenty to learn though - focusing more on those who don't speak, training my empathy ability...

rhythm, smiles, intellectual contemplation

I should have gone off to Ulenkrug for four days, but instead decided to stay in the city to work with all the comments I received on Tuesday while they were still fresh in my head. I presented my draft concept for my final thesis in the colloquium and though I wasn't as ready as I would have liked, it went "well" - "well" in the sense that I got a lot of critical remarks that brought my attention back to the key questions, yet I still have the impression that many people found my idea interesting. I remained calm and confident the whole time, though I had the feeling I couldn't formulate the thesis and ideas very clearly. It was good I'd invited a few friends to come along and give me support. After the colloquium, the prof I want to have as supervisor asked if I'd come along to the Italian restaurant where the three teachers and some of the (doctoral) students gather every week. I had never gone along but decided that exceptionnally I would. Oh the lovely world of academia - bitching about other profs, struggling to fight against back door politics... A world I would never want to enter and be part of, even if I could picture myself enjoying spending all my days sitting and staring at a computer. But all the same, I got some good remarks from my potential prof. And I didn't pretend that I fitted into their world - which would have been difficult on a pure esthetical level anyway, what with my traveller's habit of wearing a peasant's headscarf to keep my hair out of my face and hide them when they're dirty.

Unfortunately, on the four days I usually keep for intellectual work, I remained unable to concentrate much. I'd spend all of last week's four intellectual days reading and thinking and reading more, and I probably reached a point where I just couldnt' compute anymore. So I should have gone off to Ulenkrug and enjoy being on the farm with all and sundry people.
Nevermind - instead I decided to engage in severe clean up, which I hadn't done since my return and was starting to become Very Necessary - especially as I probably get a visitor for a few days next week. My Viennese friend [S] said he would come to relax from his whole final thesis phase - which he's now handed in. I'm looking forward to seeing him again.

I probably AM going to stay in Berlin until December 2008 - to make the writing process of my final thesis less stressful and compact. If I manage to find another way of financing myself, I'm ok with that - although I do regularly long for the freedom of travels. I've managed to create a little nest of a network here with lots of people whom I value as individuals and I know value me too - a web of warm trust. One year in this web while dealing with my final intellectual quest - the question of the construction of legitimacy - is a good prospect. As ever, feeling privileged.

I've gotten into body percussion, and it seems I end up teaching my rhythms to every new person I meet. It's more fun than talking about their job.

Former head jailed for cruelty

I love some of the BBC article titles. This one remained particularly surealist for a good 15 seconds, as I pictured with surprise a rotting head with a violent past, severed from its original body, been put behind bars.

Trip Diary Extracts - August (cont.)

09 August, Ferme du Meot

The Stage de desobeissance civile had interesting moments but wasn't exactly what I expected. It equated desobeissance civile with mediatic action, geared primarily towards the press. It seems reductionist to me, though I'm having troubles conceptualising a version of civil desobediance that would not be aimed at media. I am definitely not interested in acting to get media attention - so what do I want and look for in the concept of civil desobediance? It's difficult to say / ignoring state rules that I disagree with, following a certain set of principles - but to change what?
The media-focused activists are definitely not my 'family' - but how do I want to define my political practice? Not through "actions" but through direct organising (like the network for non-commercial agriculture)?


13 August, Zierenberg, near Kassel

Welcome in l'Allemagne de l'ouest profonde et moyenne. Landed in a terrible camping near Kassel (very centre of Germany) with Camille and his friend Antoine. We drove yesterday from Paris and I decided to stay with them one day to have time to warn Haina of my arrival, and also to not jump too (!) quickly from situation to situation.

Leaving the Journees d'ete wasn't easy. I nearly didn't leave. My gut feeling was against it. And wouldn't have left if I hadn't already told Cam I was coming along with them on 12 August (they otherwise would have had to share the costs among 3 instead of 4, and it wouldn't have been fair from me to drop the plan at the last minute). I didn't feel like leaving the journees d'ete because it's easier to leave once all is taken down - see people leave gradually. Much softer to be the last to leave. Ah well. I made friends. I'm not sure when I'll see any of them again, but I will. [...] I learned about anti-nuclear struggles in Brittany and France. I got to think about consensus and interactions again. I got to think about the meaning I want to find in political action.

But now - back in Germany and not ready for the change. Not sure how I feel about going back to Haina.


14 August

We walked around Kassel and spent the evening at the Documenta exhibition yesterday. Tiring and weird to be a tourist in the middle of tourists. The documenta made me confirm to myself that I don't appreciate modern art. A lot of the stuff had a political message but I didn't feel that the piece in itself enabled a reflexion process - only the textes written to give some context did. One thing Nadege (camille's friend) said resonated in me - that this type of art was not made for contemplation - unlike older stuff or some other types of painting. And I like art when I can contemplate it - spend a while in front of itm enjoying details and finding more to look at.

Called Haina yesterday - karin answered. She said I was welcome - basically. I didn't spend much time on the phone and felt afterwards I should have asked more if it's really alright for me to come. I still don't really know how I'll get there. It's difficult to hitch there because niether Haina nor the nearby villages are on my map. It makes orientation and trip planning difficult. So I could take the train either from Kassel or Eisenach. Or I could let Camille drive me there - though once again unsure of the road to take, and it's quite a stretch to impose on cam from here - not to mention the unnecessary pollution.
[...]
Only 1 1/2 month of freedom left. In part looking forward to berlin life again.
[...]
Am a bit worried at the thought of all the women on Haina...


15 August, Haina


Cam (and Antoine) drove me all the way from Kassel to Haina. We had troubles finding Haina, and it took us nearly the whole afternoon to get there. I felt really bad about it - especially as they weren't allowed in the house, being males on a frauenbaustelle [women's construction week]. So I couldn't show them around, give them something to drink in the kitchen or anything. Me feeling double bad.

There are about 15-20 women on Haina, busy with wood, electricity, insulation. It's strange to walk around and see only women. Some very manly. It's destabilising, a little. So it's good that I'm here. A man cure. Necessary after all the flirting on the camp last week.

Yesterday evening was tango dancing. Enjoyable, though once again unsure how to act with and look at women. I wonder why it is that even at 27 I have no or little experience with women, in terms of interaction.

Had good chats with Cam during our 1 1/2 days together. He asked lots of questions on relationship and politics, and was interested by what I was into - nonviolent communication, consensus decision making - and issues he talks about with his right-wing catholic girlfriend - immigration, social rights. Usually, cam takes the opposite position to whomever he's talking to, which makes discussions relatively tiring - but this time he was really calm.

[...]
Haina is so different without its usual group. Only 3 of the women stayed - Karin, Sane and Gudrun. All the others, including all the children, left. I haven't found the entry key to this group of women.
[...]
--

Had two nice conversations this evening - with Ailke, a Gesellin (travelling handywoman), and with Gudrun. It was good - I needed to feel some exchange. Ailke has been travelling for a year and a half and described developments similar to what I'm starting to feel - developing a sense for one's gut feeling, learning to "hear" it, taking time to arrive in a place, learning to live with freiräume - freedom. The more I think of it, the less I want to go to Berlin - or rather: end my travels in october. Perhaps I want to go on a wanderschaft as a geselin too - I should talk with Ailke again and the others - learn how they started, what structures they are in. I wonder if they get any fix training in their area (carpentry etc) before they set off.
[...]
Chat with Gudrun made me think about the topic for my final thesis. If I do something on civil disobediance, I could have a theoretical / philosophical part (around the concept of leaglity, legitimacy, law, state of law, morality...) and to ensure I don't just write something compeltely dry, I could include a part on activists' perception of their own legitimacy - the basis for it. I'm not sure what exactly the interest for that could be, but it sounds re/la/tively feasible.


16 August

Lehmputz [mud walls?] all day, then yoga and an intense feeling of relaxation, interrupted by a plenum after dinner during which we all had to say when we were planning to leave - I didn't feel particularly comfortable because I hadn't really asked Gudrun and / or Karin what they thought of me staying on a little bit. It doesn't seem to be too problematic - especially as I've received the status of "friend of the house" - but all the same, I would have liked to discuss the plans in another setting.

Plenum among all the women. No use of the sign language, but not really necessary because each waited for the pervious to finish their turn, no one talked in between, people stayed on the topic. Unthinkable in France? Is this a German thing?

[...]
Funny to be surrounded by mostly travellers all of a sudden - all the gesellinen, Suse... Traveling as a way of life. [...] Being on the road. Somehow, that's how I pictured myself 10 years ago. I became sedentary in between, but really... I could be a long term traveler. which doesn't mean always being on the move, but staying months at a time in places.
Nomadic with kid(s)?


17 August

End of the Frauenbaustelle. We cleared the site and cleaned everything from 5om on, and most of us, some covered in mud - most, actually - showered. I dipped into the pool and swam alone before feeding the pigs with Tanja who looked somewhat sad that the 2 weeks were over. Learning to feed the pigs is useful. Something I can take over when I'm here again.
[...]
I don't know what I want for my next stop. I don't feel like going to Lübnitz, nor Karlshof. I need male presence and I need a cuddle option. I'm nearly considering going off to Vienna, but I don't think Striedl would be all that cool if I suddenly said I'm about to turn up on his doorstep. I'm once again all scattered - feeling I didn't close the French loop, should have stayed in France a little longer.
I feel like seeing something completely different.
Hm. Confusion in my thoughts. No clue what I want to do. I need to let them all sink in and sort themselves out.


18 August

am definitely not in gleichgewicht [balance]. Spent a long time yesterday evening writing an email to German speaking friends - and wondered what I had to tell, waht exactly the trip brought me so far. It suddenly felt like nothing - like I'd lost myself more than found. Once again my direction is missing. I don't know what I'm looking for and where to search.


19 August

Have sort of decided to go off to Anette's. Presents all sorts of disadvantages in terms of distance / logistics - especially for the return northwards.

little miss flipping positive

nothing seems to be able to annoy me much anymore. No, let me reformulate - I don't take other people's (negative) reactions personally anymore. Reading Rosenberg's book on nonviolent communication helped. I lent it to Anna, who is full of preconceived ideas against NVC - but that's only because she doesn't know what it is yet. She's on Karlshof right now, and the unexpected positive side-effect of my leaving the book with her is that some people in the collective borrowed the book and are reading it too - which is definitely needed. I think several of the people in the collective are frustrated mainly because they don't express clearly what their needs are and how they can be addressed. But anyway.
I was on karlshof again last weekend, again with Ev. I was looking forward to a bit of time with women, after a week of receiving more male attention than I wanted to take. Didn't quite work out that way, but all the same enjoyed spending all of Saturday outside picking apples with a bunch of other people, tasting all sorts of different apples, and seeing hundreds of geese and ducks fly above our heads. Seeing the birds travel away always brings a little knot in my throat, somehow.

After the network meeting on Sunday, went off with Anna to her former House-project (A Houseproject in German is basically a building that's been taken over by a hord of people who want to live collectively and cheaply - usually also a tad chaotically. A lot of them are legalised squats.) A room will be free there on the women's floor soon, and I chatted a bit with one of the women to see what they were looking for. I'm still thinking about it - living on the women's floor means that I can't really have male guests hanging around in the kitchen there - but there are other floors and other communal spaces in the house to hang out, so that I assume it shouldn't be too much of a problem. And in a way, I feel I need to spend more time with women and would enjoy a social space nearly exclusively for women - at least for a while. The Houseproject is very chaotic - as in: very very. Anna said it would be a good excercise field for nonviolent communication. All of this doesn't necessarily make it sound great to move there, but I don't think it's actually that bad. It's cheap, it's a big mix of lefty people, it's a new experience.

I'm slowly making progress with all the steps I want to take - sent an email today to the personel manager to say I'd reduce my work hours to 60 a month as of 1 January - started making contacts with offices at uni to get my administrative situation all cleared to register for the final thesis in January - have started looking for a cheaper place to stay. And one goal that guides me: last station in Berlin before freedom.