Rejection & Recognition

Rejection
What a strange week. I've been having emotional ups and downs, my feelings of insecurity growing at the thought of Mr Big&Important's departure, and contracting again through successful interaction with other students.
On Tuesday evening, Self-Assertive L, a student I know, had given me an appointment to meet up with the five other people who, with him, want to found a large eco-communal flat ("WG" for Wohngemeinschaft, pronounce Vehgheh, or végué). Out of these six people, I only knew Self-Assertive L. and Soft-but-Strict M., a friendly lesbian whom I've known from afar since the beginning of my studies. As always with Germans, it's taken me months and semesters to feel somewhat comfortable with these two people, and I felt totally un-at-ease with the other bunch. The main problem was that I had a clear picture in mind of the sort of people I thought they were looking for - and it was evident to me that I didn't fit this image. All are committed environmental activists who have worked on campaigns and go to forums - perhaps not always with the same degree of intensity, but it is part of them. There is, to me, something very German about the context they are positioned in, although I am still unable of precisely saying what I mean with this. I probably don't mean more than this is a context I feel utterly foreign to.
In any case, here I was in the park with these people and I had to reveal my personality to let them decide whether they would like to have me live with them or not. Self-Assertive L., and probably Soft-but-Strict M., supported my "application", all the others were casting inquisitive and suspicious looks on me. Already convinced that I wasn't what they wanted, I managed to introduce myself in the most negative way possible. Being immediately witty is impossible in German, and irony doesn't work with Germans unless you know them well. I was defenseless.
As I left the park to go meet up with Mr Big&Important and our two visitors in a nearby street for dinner, I felt a bitter aftertaste, and imagined myself wrapped up in "sales" tags, depreciating my value.

On the following day, as I got up in the morning, the thought of my depreciated value mingled with the ever more pressing realisation that the stability and strength offered by my relationship would soon partly disappear. I was supposed to go to the Institut's Day, a day of open forum for students, teachers and other employees to discuss problems, but felt totally unwilling to face other people and interact. I knew though that I should go rather than curl myself up in a little ball. So I did.
And it was a good thing. I told other students about how I felt, and it made it all sound very natural and normal, nothing to run and hide about. When I eventually came across Self-Assertive L. during the day, he told me the group hadn't been able to come to an agreement re. me. From then on, I paradoxically felt a lot better and even more comfortable in his presence, realising that I wouldn't have felt comfortable with them if they HAD taken me, because I would have constantly imposed a critical inquisitive look on myself, the look I imagine they had.

Recognition
On Thursday I presented my Almería research project to my project-class. I felt slightly nervous about it, as I realised that the sense of conviction I had had over the past months regarding my research could be shattered in a minute if the group criticised aspects I hadn't thought of. There is a handful of people in this seminar whose opinion and remarks I particularly value - the capitalist-critics and activists. During the course of my studies, I had always felt some sense of admiration for them but felt I would never be able to have a conversation with any of them because I didn't have the same intellectual level. This year's taken me a long way, and being in a year-long class with them probably helped. In any case, once I finished presenting my project, Loud Mouth J., who always has remarks and critical comments, said she was really impressed and found the whole thing extremely interesting and exciting. As questions came on the topic of how (or even why) "illegals" could organise, I was pleased to be able to confidently argue against the use of the tag "illegal" for people who are a structural component of our production system - and pleased to perceive the nods of approval coming from the group as I spoke. For the first time, I felt I was a competent political scientist. At the end, the teachers came up to me and said they really enjoyed my presentation and were excited to read my paper, and people in the audience, including Activist M. , had big broad grins directed at me.

Except Self Assertive L., who looked a little absent minded.