Mixed feelings

Last week was the final week of classes for the semester. I wrote an exam on Monday and that was it. Finito. No more classes. Not just for this semester, but basically, for ever. Once I write my paper for the political anthropology class and my research design for my final thesis, I have all the credits required and I can just move on to the final thesis.

And this is where the Mixed Feelings come in. This last semester was great. It was the first time I felt I was truly making the most of my studies, being immersed within my classes. This semester fitted the image I had in mind when I was 18 and before I even knew what studying actually meant - there was a lot of intellectual development. There was joy going to uni, and joy coming back. And frustration as well when discussions didn't turn out the way I would have liked them to. There were thoughts and ideas fusing around my head. There was jotting down of ideas in my Little Book of Ideas. Flashes of understanding, creating bridges between ideas. There was more self-confidence, and the feeling at last of becoming what I expected and wanted to become when I started studying. There were discoveries about myself, what I wanted for my future, how I expected my life to fit with my convictions. I felt I was experiencing what being a student was all about - at last. Why now? The last two years have been a slowly accelerating move towards this point, and I can't exactly say why I didn't get this sense of intellectual development in the first two and a half years of my studies (Grundstudium).

So it was a Good Semester, a Special Semester, and experience I want to repeat. But also, possibly, the Last Semester. I feel like there is still tonnes I need to read, especially in political philosophy. To reach the ability to fairly quickly formulate reactions, I would need another semester or two. And in a way, it should be my duty to take this time and reach this point - it is people who took the time to reach this level and could juggle with ideas, who still sat in seminars without needing any credits who helped me develop further.

So why don't I just?
There are always all sorts of mainly psychological barriers to taking another semester. Originally, I had planned to graduate this coming summer. This turned impossible as I couldn't squeeze in all the work for the necessary credits in the short time left before the date for signing up for the final thesis. So then I thought I would sign up to have the final exams in December. Which would still be possible, but would require writing the thesis from June to September, and thus leave no time for gathering material beforehand. So I eventually decided to take it easy and sign up in May for the one-year option, write the thesis from mid October to mid February, and have time to prepare before the final orals in June.
Of course, nothing really stops me from deciding otherwise. I could say I sign up in January, write from May to August and have the orals in December 2008. But? But nothing really... Except that I don't want to stick to my present job. And I'm also ready to leave the city, in a way. And my present plan seems so good on paper.

I might just go to certain classes for half the next semester - including one on radical democracy and another on critical social theory, before it's time to leave for wherever.